Unlike my usual memories, I can’t recall what I was wearing. I imagine this is because, typically, what I am wearing plays a role in my comfort. At this moment, I could have been wearing my comfiest cozies, and I wouldn’t have felt comfortable.

I can’t remember the specifics of the conversation I was having with my manager, but I do remember the door was shut, and I was choking back tears. The walls felt like they were closing in on me, and the feeling of being suffocated was pressing in as well. My manager was asking me to get on board. There was a change happening at work, a change no one felt particularly fantastic about, and I was not jumping in like the team player I usually am.

I recall a weak attempt at self-reflection and self-talk to get myself to fall in line, and at this moment, a new question bubbled to the surface: What about me? Without a second thought, I felt the words spill out of my mouth, a plea with not only the manager but with the world around me: “For just a minute, can we acknowledge that I am a human being, having a very human experience and very human emotions? Can we take a minute to acknowledge that, to acknowledge that how I feel matters?”

She stopped and stared, and I stopped and wondered where this vulnerability (that didn’t already have the psychology and well-thought-out reason behind it) came from. Then, the truth that burned on the way up, the truth that was wrapped in shame, guilt, and confusion, came marching out. I am struggling; I am depressed. Things outside of work, things inside of work, and everything else are too much. She immediately switched her persona, one that I knew deep down cared but was also laced with her asking right back; what about me?

After a few careful words of support and solution offered, the conversation shifted. I was able to add some insight to the current work situation because, as I learned at that moment, depression makes you depressed, not dumb. The insight spoke of the current state of affairs at work. I offered a valid solution that had been shared with others and wholly supported. Suddenly, and without warning, my words of vulnerability I shared moments ago were thrown into my face as though they immediately erased my knowledge and experience.

From deep within my soul, I felt a part of myself awaken; I felt the power of anger surge within me—the beautiful kind of anger that forces you to make promises to yourself and take action. The anger in the moment removed a layer of guilt about considering myself at the same time as I considered everyone else. I was done having what was leftover from my “pie of life.” I would now be the one holding the knife and deciding who got which piece. Most importantly, I would ask, “What about me?” and know I am worthy of the answer and action.

For better or worse this is a ride I’m on frequently due to my very active imagination. It has gotten me into trouble more than once, and it is also my greatest asset, learning to manage this ride, the highs, lows, twists, and turns, is probably the lesson I am set to uncover in this life. Every time I get on the ride, there are familiar parts, old parts that seem new, and new stuff. The old new stuff that I am “having the opportunity to grow from” (that’s self help speak to make really hard stuff seem like you should like it) is looking my Ego in the eye.

Truthfully, I know my Ego but, I do my best to dress her up in different things to avoid acknowledging her. She gets in the way, she’s ruined things for me in the past, I have a hard time seeing the good in her, and rather than looking her in the eye and having the tough conversations I have employed my best tactics to avoid the confrontation. I mean, let’s be honest, having a confrontation with yourself? Rough.

Starting a job, typically reserved for early twenty somethings as a:

• 42 year old

• mother of 6

• married for almost 22 years

• business owner

• life coach

• occasional know-it-all

• daydreaming comedian

well, it’s as easy as it sounds (for the record, that was sarcasm).

It kinda reminds me of what it is like getting a tattoo. I found the perfect thing, I thought about it and over thought about it, and decided it’s now or never, but definitely the tattoo I want, so let’s do it. The appointment is scheduled, I showed up with nerves, excitement, and some slight reservations. I confirmed the work to be done, the location is prepped, I took a deep breathe the artist fired up the tattoo gun and began and I suddenly and quietly wondered: WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING HERE? WHY AM I PAYING SOMEONE TO BURN ME WITH A FIRE NEEDLE? WAS THIS ACTUALLY MY IDEA? PEOPLE DO THIS ON PURPOSE?

Naturally I had on my best poker face, and when asked how I was doing I coolly respond, great. I’m doing great. Hell, knowing me I probably cracked a joke. Show no fear! My basic training kicks in, breathe are you breathing? Remember for what reason you chose this, you’ll be grateful in the end, in order to have a tattoo you have to get a tattoo. These thoughts are intermingled with, I did this? I chose this? Are we there yet?

Translation: while there have a been some really good days at work over the past 4 weeks, there have been some days where I am wondering: WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING HERE? Sure, I could do the internet thing and skip right to the gratitude portion of this speech, but that’s one of the things that guided my decision to step out of the self help world, the rush past the pain, or only sharing the pain once you have the gratitude isn’t helping anyone.

Sure I was grateful when my first paycheck hit the bank, I have had some good laughs with co-workers and credit union members, I’ve learned quickly, deposited cash that surely came from a stripper (my imagination and comic act rarely if ever take days off), and though I am not there yet; I can see that part where I’m grateful for the courage and willingness I’ve had to look my Ego in the eyes and ask her “for what reason are you responding this way”, instead of putting a new outfit on her and calling her a different name to avoid the learning and change.

I’m learning and growing and recognizing all the ways this is fulfilling me, however, the challenge of unraveling insecurities, acknowledging my weakness, and coming face to face with myself as I learn to interact with the world as this version of me is exhausting, emotional, and hard. Fortunately, the actual job is starting to make sense, so having more energy to put into all this emotional stuff is coming back. I’ve come home in tears at least once a week, being able to teach my kids from this place has been humbling, I never really considered the importance of teaching from a place of weakness instead of strength, so remind me in 6 months to circle back and add this to the gratitude pile. I’m not ready to gush with gratitude yet and that’s okay. Deep in my core I know I am exactly where I am supposed to be, I know this because the thought of not showing up sounds more difficult than the showing up does.

If I have learned anything in the past 42 years it’s that life continues to happen, it may not all happen everyday, but it balances itself out. Like looking at what a toddler is eating, if you base their health off of one day of intake you could panic about their nutrition but if you take a 7-10 day aerial view you immediately see the balance.

What I can say about the last 4 weeks is I feel a deeper sense of self, a greater satisfaction with life, pride that I keep showing up when quitting is an option, and a small, quiet, growing excitement at this part of the journey.

*If you would like to support my writing leave me a comment my Ego loves that stuff! Or you can send Starbucks money to my Venmo: marci-hansen-3

The thing is, I didn’t account for the fact that life was going to continue to progress and change. My family, my children, my husband, our business, wasn’t going to evolve the way I predicted it to when I formulated my plan. And therein lies the problem with planning. It requires the variables to be maintained as you set them out to be. Being prepared means you’ve looked at the possible outcomes, prepped for the possibilities, and moved back into living in the present.

Don’t panic, nothing bad or major has happened, other than life, but that’s exactly it. As my children have gotten older, something I knew in my head would happen, my heart didn’t account for the truth that it would actually truly occur. That there would be a moment when I would no longer have little kids, the moment would come when I would have hours a day to myself, the moment when in order to stay healthy I would have to put it all down and reexamine all of the things I have been carrying around as my truths.

Enter the identity crisis, that might be a bit dramatic, but let’s be honest, are your surprised that I’m being dramatic?

My life coach/consultant/guide/guru knew this moment was coming, in fact she had done her very best to prepare me for it, the moment when I would face the realization that my identity was entangled in a lot of my titles, and roles, and not firmly planted in who I am.

I wish that in this moment I could confidently tell you this is it, I am sure that this is who I am, but I can’t. What I have learned? Being in service makes my heart beat, I’m not even super picky about the type of service (although I did draw a line with being in “service” by working at the post office they wanted me for 48 hours/6 days a week! can you say boundaries??)

This is where is started to get sticky for me with my kids, husband, and the business. You see, they no longer required my full scope of serving abilities, and if you want to know the truth, I was starting to interfere a bit with all of my serving. I’ve got a fixer brain, and things that aren’t broken but have room for change and more efficiency, or to be done my way, I’ll throw myself at.

And that’s the problem. I was working from habit, having 6 kids in 8 years requires some pretty intense attention for a time, my kids requirements of me had changed, I hadn’t updated the system yet. I was seeking something, let’s call it change, but didn’t want things to change. Yes that is as backwards and confusing as it sounds. The realization that what was next? I had know idea.

In my youth I had visualization about my life, they never went past the part of having kids at home and being married. Here I am, yes I have kids at home, but not like I used to. Enter the Post Office. Yes the USPS. For a year now they have sent us a postcard bi-weekly announcing that they are hiring. For a year I have joked “I could always get a job at the Post Office.” Mid identity/life panic I applied at the post office and 5 other places. Turns out the Post Office and Smith’s are not what I was looking for.

I have accepted a job at Mountain America Credit Union. The month long process of all of this has brought so many things to the surface, out of the shadows, and back to my memory. I’m certain that I am at the beginning of this plot twist, that truthfully even I didn’t see coming!

Stick around, I’ll be back with more.

Umm it’s sideways 🤷‍♀️ View from my weekend writing spot.

-Marci

It’s kind of like picking a scab. It you keep picking at it, the wound can take twice or even three times as long to heal, it can get infected, it will fester, and typically you end up with a bigger scar. I’m not advocating ignoring, or avoiding, dealing with things that require your attention. I am recommending that you put it down and leave it in the past. As you learn and grow in the present you’re going to have a different perspective when you revisit the past. This fresh perspective can aid in healing, forgiving, and releasing the pain. *tip* not every pain from the past has to be dragged out, relived, and interrogated to be released.

-Marci

Affirmation: I have the power

Journal: I know that I am fully in the present moment when I…

You will know that you are choosing quiet, reflection, and greater peace, those around you may decide you are choosing to not respond. You can let them know in a word or two that you are not responding at this time. I read and hear many times that choosing to not respond is in-action, not good enough, blah, blah, blah. With so much stimuli coming at you in any given day the best way to stay present, connected, and experiencing peace is to become extremely specific in what you do and do not put energy and a response into. This one might take some practice but choosing to put most things down will increase the energy and focus you have for the things that matter most.

-Marci

Affirmation: I have the power

Journal: I know that when I focus my energy on what matters most I experience…

When something happens do you suppress your response or process through your response? Do you reject what is happening or do you reflect on the reasons that brought you to this point? Do you react or respond? Jump to action or pause and prepare your response?

If things are working out great in all areas of your life ignore this keep doing what you are doing. If there are areas where you are not getting the results that you would like moving through these questions with yourself will be helpful in guiding you towards a different way of processing through how you are currently interacting with life, and how to shift the results. Does that feel overwhelming, as a life coach I can help. Let me know if you’re ready for assistance.

-Marci

Affirmation: It is well with my soul.

Journal: One habitual way of responding that serves me well is… because.. One habitual way of respond that does not serve me well is… because…

When you are making a decision are you checking in with your soul? Sometimes this happens quick and feels easy other times, it can be much harder because of all the extra voices you can end up with in your head. Some of the voices are real; spouses, friends, family, neighbors, co-workers etc. some of the voices are the ones we drag around out of habit (I like to refer to them as the itty bitty shitty committee, rarely are they helpful), some come from the things we are interacting with such as social media, news, podcasts… With all these extra influences it can feel challenging to sift through other’s opinions and connect with our own. Next time you find yourself looking for an answer from your soul, put one hand on your heart, one on your belly, and repeat: it is well with my soul. This repetition will help drown out the other voices and when you are ready to be still, be quiet, and wait, your soul will speak to you.

-Marci

Affirmation: It is well with my soul

Journal: I feel the greatest peace in my soul when I…

Want a place to keep all your The Daily Marci thoughts and inspirations together? Buy the Journal I made for this very purpose on Amazon. It’s fill in the blank, so ultimately you could use it for a lot of different moments including your emails that you get from me daily. You can check it out here: Everyday I am Worth it Journal

I knew a little about sports growing up then I married a sports guy. I wouldn’t say I know everything now, but I have learned that a team that plays from an offensive strategy it’s far more successful than the team playing from defense. You are the same. If you are playing and strategizing from what it is that you hope for versus how to avoid what you fear you’re going to feel more successful. There are so many options between what you fear and what you hope for, simply avoiding what you don’t want to have happen doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll land where you would like. Life is on your side, make it part of your offense not something you are defending yourself against.

-Marci

Affirmation: I have the power.

Journal: I hope for…

You know the saying growth happens outside your comfort zone, here’s the deal, you don’t have to seek discomfort to know that what you are doing will bring about change. As a matter of fact if you are pushing to that point you’re most likely taking on to much and the change you are seeking will not be sustainable because no one likes to feel discomfort for to long. Recognize that when making small changes you shift you habits and patterns and this will make you feel the discomfort, not because it’s necessary, but because it’s different. How you know it’s enough? Uncomfortable/discomfort. Too much? Anxiety/stress Don’t confuse the two.

-Marci

Affirmation: I have the power

Journal Prompt: Last time I tried something new I felt…

Sure, there are a lot of places where we know change would be beneficial, but sometimes there’s places that we don’t. Those places are typically the key to the thing we are looking for, especially when we start to feel as if we have looked and done everything. I often tell clients to look in the nevers. All the things they’ve declared either publicly or to themselves that they would never do. It doesn’t mean that by examining the never that you’ll do it, but the reason behind the never often hold the key to what’s keeping you from shifting. Making the decisions to go there takes courage. I know you’ve got it in you, do you believe me?

-Marci

Affirmation: I have the power.

Journal: I have said I would never…

This is something I like to remind myself and others when it seems like everything or the very big important thing is falling apart or not working out. It’s may feel like it’s the end of the world, but it’s not. Think of other things that felt this way, that have passed that you have moved forward from.

When you come to the end of a street you make a choice, left, right, or turn around. With a little patience and practice you'll be able to see the end of something as an opportunity, what you do with that opportunity is up to you and your attitude.

-Marci

Affirmation: I have the power

Journal: Something that I thought was the end of the world in the past was…. and what I learned was….

Focus your energy and intention on what it is that you would like to feel. If you are already experiencing it offer gratitude. If you are not yet experiencing it ask, ask to recognize it in others, ask to receive and be open to how it shows up.

(Yup, me and the laptop have finally been reunited, I know you’ve been on pins and needles about it!)

-Marci

Affirmation: I have the power.

Journal: I would like to feel more… because…

Almost more important than the first thing you thought of this morning, is the last thing you thought of last night. That bedtime thought is what you marinated in the entire time you slept.

The first thing you thought this morning sets your tone for the entire day. If the thought was “I don’t want to get up” you’re going to feel that resistance all day. If the thought was “another good one” or “I’m looking forward to today” you’re going to feel that support.

Using a guided meditation when you go to sleep is a great way to marinate in the good stuff and wake up on the right side of the bed!

-Marci

Affirmation: I feel peace and trust it’s a safe place to be.

Journal: my first thought this morning was

When a country is at war and battling their enemy the solution isn’t to find more positivity or be more positive. The goal is peace and neutrality. When you think about it peace is neutral. If you’re full of lots of joy and excitement that’s feels good but requires a lot of energy, staying in that state for extended period of time isn’t healthy. Being angry or depressed also takes a lot of energy staying in those states for a long time are no good.

You’re like a car, you use the least amount of fuel when you’re in neutral. Not everything requires shifting to positivity. Choosing to find neutral with many things will allow you the peace to release them.

It’s a good week to practice non attachment and neutrality.

-Marci

Affirmation: I feel peace and trust it’s a safe place to be.

Journal prompt: I choose to find neutrality about…

It sounds so simple when you say it like that. I’ll be me, you be you, and we all live happily ever after.

Except the part where I get caught up comparing myself to you, you get caught up judging me, then we both make decisions about our self that aren’t true but we end up operating from them.

Silly example, but makes the point beautifully; my husband likes extremely spicy food, I do not. For several years he put a lot of energy into trying to convince me to share his love of spicy. I didn’t several years wondering if there was something missing in my life because I didn’t love spicy. He felt like I wasn’t trying hard enough, I felt like he was trying to hard.

Eventually I had a realization I don’t t like extra spicy (okay truth I like a little dash of heat no more less is acceptable), it didn’t mean there was something wrong with my taste buds or my husband’s. It meant we’re different.

Stop attempting to fold yourself into someone else’s box.

-marci

Affirmation: I have enough time

Journal prompt: If I stopped doubting _________ about myself I would feel_______

Pay attention to how often you’re throwing this filler word into your communications.

Typically it’s used to soften the request, minimize the statement, and mostly it’s a habit.

As you become aware of how you’re using the word you’ll begin to notice others use of it and how it lessens the impact of what they’re saying.

Affirmation: I have enough time

Journal prompt: I feel empowered when I…

Perspective. This felt fun and so important when I posted it on Instagram 2 weeks ago. I’m so busy choosing to do nothing. Then doing nothing chose me.

I left my work bag, that has my laptop in it AKA my brain, at our house in a Idaho. Immediately I was determining driving up to get it within minutes of realizing I’d forgotten it. For better or worse the price of gas put a quick stop to any plans I conjured up.

We already have a return trip scheduled in two weeks, I can do hard things, like wait.

After the panic wore off, and the acceptance that google is finally going to get its way (they’ve been asking me to update all kinds of passwords for years now) it’s been almost a relief to know that even if I wanted to something’s are being placed on hold while I do nothing and wait.

Sometimes we choose our breaks. Sometimes they choose us.

Stick around, things could get interesting, or boring 😂 you tell me.

-Marci

Oh and isn't the weekly affirmation a joke on me! I have enough time.

Journal prompt: I feel panicky when I think of living without __________ for two weeks because…

Kinda like measure twice cut once. Taking the time wrap things up along the prevents having to go back and do it again.

Make it a great week!

-Marci

Weekly affirmation: I have enough time

Journal prompts: when I think of slowing down I feel…

This is hanging on the bathroom wall so you get to read it while you’re sitting on the throne. I figure there’s no better place to practice saying really nice things to yourself. I know that my kids are captive there at least once or twice a day, and the saying my mom had hanging on our bathroom wall growing up still reverberates in my head, I can’t remember exactly how it goes but it was a little poem with a reminder that small kindnesses have a big ripple effect.

I going to attach this as a pdf if you want to print it out… If I am being honest this exact one isn’t hanging in the bathroom, it’s one I hand drew, with sharpies, in the ROY G BIV order (red orange yellow green blue indigo violet) maybe it’s time for an update around here too!

In case you don’t share my deep love of all things pink I made a black and white one too maybe you can ROY G BIV yours!

I Am Grateful

16.1KB ∙ PDF file

Download

Download

Have a great weekend!

-Marci

Affirmation I know who I am

Journal Being me feels good because

Looking for the actual journal you can purchase off of Amazon, the quote and prompts all have a special spot ready for you to write in it. It’s fill in the blank, so ultimately you could use it for a lot of different moments including your emails that you get from me daily. You can check it out here: Everyday I am Worth it Journal